Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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