one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
it's like heaven, but drunker
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
