i think my mom watched the whole time
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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