Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
