I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
