everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Ladies don't puke and tell
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
