life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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