I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
