omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
