you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
