True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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