Define "chronic" masturbator.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
