Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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