I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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