you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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