Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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