I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
