i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
