Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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