You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
