so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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