who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
