I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
