I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
