Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
