You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
