just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
