just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
