Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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