dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
