Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
