Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
