remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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