so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
