why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
