ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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