your thong is hanging out like whoa
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
