You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
