the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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