my phone needs a breathalizer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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