It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
