I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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