I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
