Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
