If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
