I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Randomize
