I love black thongs
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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