To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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