Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
