He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
