Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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